Posted this on my tumblr a bit ago, but figured I would throw it up here on my wordpress as well, in case someone might not have seen it:
Why is it the path going forward sometimes can be so hard? So incredibly difficult. Every step forward sometimes is seemed to be met with two steps backwards. Every corner turned into the unknown can feel like its met with doubt and uncertainty.
I don’t know whats going to happen, exactly. I don’t know what will be, and in no way can know on my own.
I know what Gods word says about my future. I’ve read it, I’ve seen it, I’ve preached it, and yet even now I don’t fully comprehend it all. And at times life can be overwhelming. The unknown future can seem a dark void, or some far galaxy way out in space. I get the image of a sci-fi movie from long ago, or some video game that I’ve played way into the dark hours of the night, when I think of it. Its has a sort of surreal feeling, the unknown, both good and bad, that I can’t quite describe and put into words.
But theres another side to going forward, to stepping out into that infinite abyss we call change. To taking that leap of faith forward into God, and into what He wants. I get the mental thought of someone standing at the front of a train, hair blowing in the wind, cares flying away. Hands gripping the old rusted railing attached to the front, that someone has a smirk on their face. Or is it a smile? Maybe its a bit of both, but the point is their excitement there. An excitement that they have never experienced before, and even though the train they are riding takes them through dark valleys and foggy forests, they know that its somehow going in the right direction. A sense of future accomplishment, of moving forward with a great urgency and joy. A passion rises up deep on the inside of them, that can’t be explained.
I’m on that train. But at times, I’m not that someone that I described. Many times, many many times, I’m quite another someone.
I’m in one of the cabs somewhere, tired and exhausted, collapsed on a worn out and faded chair. I don’t want to walk to the front of the train, in fact, I don’t want to even move from the chair. To even look out the window and see things rushing by, much less to stand on the brink of the future as it barrels forward to me feels like to much. I don’t feel prepared for the journey that I’m on, I don’t feel that I deserve to be on this train. In truth I feel like a phony, a fake, and somehow know that at any moment, at any time, the conductor is going to slam on the brakes and throw me off. I see myself trudging off into the wilderness, and watching as the train continues on, with that someone at the front watching as I pass into the distance to become a mere speck on time.
This is a depressing thought for sure. But bare with me for just a moment more.
I feel the fact that I can recognize this reality, and that it is a reality in many peoples lives, including many Christians lives, is important. Too many of us want to give up, to let go, and to not continue forward with Christ. We, be it for whatever reason – tiredness, brokeness, unforgiveness – want to give into the thoughts and fears that try to plauge our minds. And quite simply we want to give up. To let go. We stay in the cabin to make the unknown ahead of us disappear. We hide from our future because it is unknown, and we feel that what God has said about us could never be true, it could never be a reality.
I’ve been there. I’ve been in that exact seat, thinking those exact thoughts. Does that make me less of a Christian? I don’t think so. I think at some point we all have to face tough questions, and really decide what we believe, and why.
And at some point we have to learn to trust God. To let go, and to stand at the front of the train. To believe that He is taking us somewhere, and that we are driven with a purpose. Do we always see what the entire plan is? No. Do we always know what He has in store for us? Of course not. Faith doesn’t go forward because you know the end result, faith goes forward because you believe God is taking you to an end result.
But I want to learn to stand at the front of the train. To stop hiding in the cabin, and to lean forward with an expectancy like no other. Sure the path seems hard, and in lots of cases, is hard. No one promised it would be easy. No one said that it would be a comfortable ride. But its part of the process. For some reason Ephesians 6 comes to mind:
“Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and the power of His might….Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.”
We can only really stand and resist, and move forward effectively I think, when we’ve decide to be strong in Him. To lean on the power of His might, and not our own. To take up His armor.
Anyways, now I’m rambling. That’s fine, its good to ramble sometimes I think. We need to get our thoughts out there sometimes, and to spill our hearts out.
We need to cry out to God more. I need to cry out to God more. To get on our faces, to put a demand on Him and expect Him to respond. To believe, truly believe in our hearts, that He is the one true God, the God of yesterday, today and forever. That He has a plan, that in all actuality would blow our minds away if He revealed it all to us. Sure we would all say that’s what we believe. And it would be true probably. But I don’t think we have quite the understanding of it that we could have. Probably not even a small percentage of the understanding.
I’m going to the front of the train I think.